Denise Richards hit the Mother Load

Remember when Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas Day for allegedly threatening his wife of 20 months? Yea that was pretty bad. And remember at the tail end of that post I mused to the interwebs how long it would take for Denise Richards to run to the tabloids and spill her guts to the world about her relationship with Charlie? I am honestly surprised it took her this long. I know that within days of the arrest she was conveniently spot ed out and about at the park with her daughters. I won't go so far as to accuse her of calling the pap's to come and take some candid shots of her and her girls. I will just say again that it was very convenient.

Now, Denise could have called Star Magazine or In Touch or even the more reputable People. But no, Denise Richards went straight to the top and parked her smug ass on the hallowed couch of the mighty mighty Oprah. Ugh. Am I the only one who finds this woman completely unsympathetic? It can't just be me. I also find myself feeling guilty about how much I truly dislike her. I know she was married to an asshole, I suspect that their relationship was even more abusive than she said on Oprah today. But in spite of it all - she drives me up the wall. In spite of the fact that as a woman I should be on "Team Denise", I can't bring myself to like her even the tiniest bit.

I have given this a bit of thought. I feel like I should be completely supportive of Denise and marvel at her ability to rise above her abusive marriage and even praise her strength at coming forward and sharing her story for other women out there. I should, right? As a woman, f*ck - as a human being. And please, do not mistake me. I in no way shape or form condone Charlie Sheen's behaviour. He is seriously f*cked up. He has issues far beyond this insignificant blog. What I am taking issue with is Denise Richards capitalising on this situation. It is the timing that makes me nauseous. The father of her children, who she claims to be in a "great" place with is arrested for domestic violence. And in one measly month she is talking about it with Oprah? How is that being a good mother? How is rehashing the most damaging parts of your life benefiting anyone? It doesn't. The only person gaining anything from this whole depressing situation is Denise Richards.

Yo Denise: those same kids at your daughter's school that you talked about with the mighty mighty Oprah? The ones that spilled the beans to your eldest about Charlie being in jail over Christmas? Do you think they or someone else is not gonna hear about this and feel the need to tell your young daughters about what an abusive sh*t their father is? So Denise. Talk all you want. Say what you gotta say. Get it all off your (fake) chest. But perhaps it would be prudent to wait until your girls are old enough to understand the details of your relationship with their father.

XO

Suzanne's Book Club?

Okay, so I am in no way attempting to take over for the mighty mighty Oprah as the person who tells the world what to read, but no less than 3 books have come out in the last few weeks that have made me contemplate tearing myself away from my Vanity Fair and Entertainment Weekly. Clearly these are very important books. And no, I am not speaking of Todd Wilbur’s Top Secret Recipes Unlocked. Have you heard of this book? It tells you the recipe for making your very own Krispy Crème do-nuts….. amazing.

First up: Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has just released her first book: Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate and Political Attacks.

What is interesting about this whole situation is that Prejean’s carefully orchestrated book tour has been overshadowed by a number of things. First, TMZ claimed that they have a “sex tape” of Carrie Prejean. Secondly, Prejean settled her lawsuit against the Miss California USA official, reportedly because of said “sex tape”. And finally, it has been revealed by yet another tabloid new agency that there are actually no less than 7 “sex tapes.”

The funniest part of this whole thing is that these “sex tapes” are of Prejean performing a sex act… ummmm……alone. I’m sorry, but does anyone else find this kind of hysterical. A sex tape is one thing. But a tape of yourself masturbating? OMFG! There is nothing funnier. Apparently though, according to Sean Hannity at Fox News, what this Princess of Conservatism did is perfectly acceptable cause she was alone and she loved her boyfriend. Imagine if this had been someone form the Liberal camp! He would have demanded her head on a platter.

I have no interest in anyone seeing this tape. It is a private thing, and her ex is a douche for selling it. But for a woman who represents herself as the height of morality and who repeatedly speaks of the decline of traditional morality to have not one but seven tapes of herself masturbating? It is just to amazing for words. Carrie, when you have a second could you let me know exactly which chapter and verse in the Bible says it’s okay to get yourself off? I think that missed that when I was in Sunday school. Hypocritical idiot. Her 15 minutes are beyond up.

Next up is former Governor of Alaska, former vice-presidential candidate and former darling of the Republican Party Sarah Palin. Her book is cleverly entitled Going Rogue: An American Life. I personally would have much preferred a title that such as “You Betcha: An American Idiot” with a photo of a winking Sarah Palin in a hunting outfit.

Palin received a reported $5 million advance for the book, and my understanding is that the book is basically Palin whining about how none of what happened during the Presidential Campaign was her fault. I believe her explanation involves blaming the meanies (my word not hers) at the McCain camp for mishandling her and stifling her during the campaign.

Opinions on the book are mixed and decisive. Liberal commentators are calling bulls*it on many of the “facts” as stated in Going Rogue, whereas Conservative pundits are applauding her honesty and candor. Ugh. I am a little classier. Rather than calling Bulls*it, I think I have decided to go with the more traditional “Liar liar pants on fire.” I know, I have not read the book. But I sat through that Oprah Interview. That was enough for me.

The mighty mighty Oprah seemed to be barely able to hide her disdain for Palin and didn’t really get her to open up to anything we hadn’t heard before. It was actually pretty boring. Nothing new. The McCain team “mishandled” her during the campaign. Whine whine whine.I had to pay for my own vetting. Moan moan moan. Katie Couric was mean to me. Blah blah blah. The liberal elite media picked on me because I am a conservative woman. It is a double standard and it’s not fair!

This is another woman who really needs to go away. She and others claim that people within the McCain camp started bad mouthing her – calling her a diva and crackpot (or was it a wingnut?) weeks before the election. You know what, I kinda hope that she runs for office in 2012. Seeing her get her ass kicked again by Obama would be kind of funny.

I didn’t even know that this third book had been written until someone tweeted that the authors were amazing on Conan O’Brien. Self professed fame whores Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt – AKA Speidi have penned a book entitled How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. The title pretty much says it all.

Say what you will about these “celebrities” – but they are nothing if not persistent. With chapters titled “How to be Pretty on the Outside,” “How to be Pretty on the Inside,” “The Paps Are Your Friends.” Sigh Another book I don’t think I need to read to realize that it is a puerile piece of crap.

Although I would love to read all three of these books – just for the sh*ts & giggles as well as the fun it would be to mock them all - I absolutely refuse to even consider buying a copy of any of them. Much like the reason I will not go on Perez Hilton’s website, I refuse to do anything that will put even a penny into their pockets.

But if I had to chose, I think I would go with Speidi’s masterpiece. Cause I hear it has lots of pretty pictures. Pre and post surgery pics of Heidi are always fun to look at and snickering at the weird soul patch, beard monstrosity that Spencer regularly sports could keep me amused for at least 20 minutes. At least.

XO

Chris Brown versus the mighty mighty Oprah

Any of you that know me in the real world, know that I am not really a fan of Oprah Winfrey. I acknowledge that she does a lot of good in the world, that she gives and inspires and motivates and challenges and blah blah blah........

But she seems determined to pretend that she is still "just like us" - which she isn't, and hasn't been for oh, about 20 years or so. She also name drops her celebrity friends at every turn. Which I find kind of insufferable. I just find the whole Oprah thing a little too much. But I have to admit that I am softening on my old age.

Especially when Oprah did her show on domestic violence after Chris Brown beat the crap out of his girlfriend. When he choked her and bit her and tried to push her out of a moving vehicle and punched her repeatedly. I didn't watch the whole episode, cause Tyra was on it and Oprah and wanna-be-Oprah for a whole hour is just far to much for me to handle.

After comparing his relationship with ex-girlfriend Rhianna to Romeo & Juliet on Larry King, Brown has gone on to comment on the mighty mighty Oprah's decision to devote a show to dating violence following Brown beating the crap out of his girlfriend. According to TMZ, in an interview with people.com "I commend Oprah on being like ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘Okay, I’m going to help both of these people out.”

Sigh. I won't even comment on his incredibly poor choice of words, considering he had just, you know, slapped his girlfriend in the face. I actually am not going to comment on this at all. I think I will let the Mighty Mighty Oprah's response speak for itself.

"Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs."

Burn baby burn. Oprah could have been your friend. She could have single-handedly saved your reputation. You could have gone on Oprah, cried, answered some questions and come out looking like a repentant young man who has learnt his lesson. But you f*cked that up Chris. What the f*ck does the mighty mighty Oprah owe you? Nothing hon.

Silly silly boy. Don't f*ck with the mighty mighty Oprah. She will ruin you. Do you not remember what she did to James Fry who wrote "A Million Little Pieces" - and all he did was lie to her about being a drug addict. She f*cked him up.

XO