Suzanne's Book Club?

Okay, so I am in no way attempting to take over for the mighty mighty Oprah as the person who tells the world what to read, but no less than 3 books have come out in the last few weeks that have made me contemplate tearing myself away from my Vanity Fair and Entertainment Weekly. Clearly these are very important books. And no, I am not speaking of Todd Wilbur’s Top Secret Recipes Unlocked. Have you heard of this book? It tells you the recipe for making your very own Krispy Crème do-nuts….. amazing.

First up: Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has just released her first book: Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate and Political Attacks.

What is interesting about this whole situation is that Prejean’s carefully orchestrated book tour has been overshadowed by a number of things. First, TMZ claimed that they have a “sex tape” of Carrie Prejean. Secondly, Prejean settled her lawsuit against the Miss California USA official, reportedly because of said “sex tape”. And finally, it has been revealed by yet another tabloid new agency that there are actually no less than 7 “sex tapes.”

The funniest part of this whole thing is that these “sex tapes” are of Prejean performing a sex act… ummmm……alone. I’m sorry, but does anyone else find this kind of hysterical. A sex tape is one thing. But a tape of yourself masturbating? OMFG! There is nothing funnier. Apparently though, according to Sean Hannity at Fox News, what this Princess of Conservatism did is perfectly acceptable cause she was alone and she loved her boyfriend. Imagine if this had been someone form the Liberal camp! He would have demanded her head on a platter.

I have no interest in anyone seeing this tape. It is a private thing, and her ex is a douche for selling it. But for a woman who represents herself as the height of morality and who repeatedly speaks of the decline of traditional morality to have not one but seven tapes of herself masturbating? It is just to amazing for words. Carrie, when you have a second could you let me know exactly which chapter and verse in the Bible says it’s okay to get yourself off? I think that missed that when I was in Sunday school. Hypocritical idiot. Her 15 minutes are beyond up.

Next up is former Governor of Alaska, former vice-presidential candidate and former darling of the Republican Party Sarah Palin. Her book is cleverly entitled Going Rogue: An American Life. I personally would have much preferred a title that such as “You Betcha: An American Idiot” with a photo of a winking Sarah Palin in a hunting outfit.

Palin received a reported $5 million advance for the book, and my understanding is that the book is basically Palin whining about how none of what happened during the Presidential Campaign was her fault. I believe her explanation involves blaming the meanies (my word not hers) at the McCain camp for mishandling her and stifling her during the campaign.

Opinions on the book are mixed and decisive. Liberal commentators are calling bulls*it on many of the “facts” as stated in Going Rogue, whereas Conservative pundits are applauding her honesty and candor. Ugh. I am a little classier. Rather than calling Bulls*it, I think I have decided to go with the more traditional “Liar liar pants on fire.” I know, I have not read the book. But I sat through that Oprah Interview. That was enough for me.

The mighty mighty Oprah seemed to be barely able to hide her disdain for Palin and didn’t really get her to open up to anything we hadn’t heard before. It was actually pretty boring. Nothing new. The McCain team “mishandled” her during the campaign. Whine whine whine.I had to pay for my own vetting. Moan moan moan. Katie Couric was mean to me. Blah blah blah. The liberal elite media picked on me because I am a conservative woman. It is a double standard and it’s not fair!

This is another woman who really needs to go away. She and others claim that people within the McCain camp started bad mouthing her – calling her a diva and crackpot (or was it a wingnut?) weeks before the election. You know what, I kinda hope that she runs for office in 2012. Seeing her get her ass kicked again by Obama would be kind of funny.

I didn’t even know that this third book had been written until someone tweeted that the authors were amazing on Conan O’Brien. Self professed fame whores Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt – AKA Speidi have penned a book entitled How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. The title pretty much says it all.

Say what you will about these “celebrities” – but they are nothing if not persistent. With chapters titled “How to be Pretty on the Outside,” “How to be Pretty on the Inside,” “The Paps Are Your Friends.” Sigh Another book I don’t think I need to read to realize that it is a puerile piece of crap.

Although I would love to read all three of these books – just for the sh*ts & giggles as well as the fun it would be to mock them all - I absolutely refuse to even consider buying a copy of any of them. Much like the reason I will not go on Perez Hilton’s website, I refuse to do anything that will put even a penny into their pockets.

But if I had to chose, I think I would go with Speidi’s masterpiece. Cause I hear it has lots of pretty pictures. Pre and post surgery pics of Heidi are always fun to look at and snickering at the weird soul patch, beard monstrosity that Spencer regularly sports could keep me amused for at least 20 minutes. At least.

XO

Kristen > The Cast of The Hills

Last night, according to all reports, the Bitch was Back. And no I am not referring to the awesome and fantastic news that Heather Locklear is bringing her micro-mini back to Melrose Place. And to that I say - ah-mazing. I - of course - am referring to the only other bitch in Hollyweird - Kristin Cavallari, who is returning to her rightful place as Queen Bee-yotch on MTV's highest rated show - The Hills.

I was planning on breaking up with The Hills - relegating it to the "Oh I don't watch that anymore" pile. I know how contrived and ridiculous the show is. It is a guilty pleasure, something I know is bad for me, but I have trouble resisting. But those pesky marketing people at MTV have made it virtually impossible to resist watching. The hype surrounding the return of KC has been impressive to say the least and these photos that were released a few days ago only serve to continue to pique my interest. Bastards.

There are tons of pics on MTV's site - but these were my personal faves. The ones of Lo, Stephanie and the annoying as f*ck Speidi are from March, but the rest are fairly recent. These pictures are nothing compared to the recent revelations about how much these reality TV stars make per episode.

Jay Leno was on Oprah last week and he explained that the shift away from scripted TV is partly a cost-saver on the part of the network. Considering these figures - which are being deny deny denied by the cast - I am not sure if this is a valid argument in this case!

According to The Daily Beast: "Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show’s contracts. Conrad’s deal stipulated that no other star’s salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad’s BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000."

And this does not include promotional appearance fees, clothing lines, book deals and the myriad of other opportunities that have been afforded to these reality "stars." Holy..... getting paid that much to supposedly live your life? Most people don't even make that a year...... and these twits are being paid ridiculous amounts of cash to go for lunch, pretend to fight, pretend to love and even pretend to be friends. All of them pretty much also pretend to think.....KC and Lo are not included in this as they are smart cookies.

The chick in the Uglee-ass white pants with black boots combo is Stacie - who is apparently playing LC's wing-woman. Every uber-bitch needs one chick on their side - even if it is a trashy bartender from an even trashier dive bar. If you don't recall who Stacie is, she is the chick that Spencer the douche "flirted" with so as to create a storyline for Heidi the idiot and himself last season. And by "flirted" you know that I actually mean that MTV paid to shoot in a bar where she may or may not have actually worked......

This season is shaping up to be banana's. Don't judge me. I know it is bullsh*t. I know that there are better things on. I even know that I should not be watching a show that contributes to the dumbing down of teenagers everywhere. But I can't help myself......

And to continue my descent into depravity and stupidity.....

I wasn't feeling great last Sunday, so I hibernated for the day. Very exciting stuff - cleaned my apartment, cleared out some stuff off of my PVR, what a glamorous life I lead. I also got sucked in to watching most of Season 1 of The City on MTV...... And now I am waiting with baited breath for the start of Season 2 tonight. Crap crap crap. Why do I allow myself to watch this swill. Beautiful rich people, engaged in the most ridiculous contrived faux-storylines.

A few new cast members have turned up this year to keep things interesting. Roxy Olin in the middle is apparently a friend of Whit's from high school and seems to be being groomed as the new bitch on the east coast. It looks like Olivia will have her hands full with her new colleagues at Elle Magazine.

I hate myself enough for watching these shows......Don't judge me.

XO

"Bad Seed" stirring shizz up on The Hills

At the end of it's last season, I had decided that faux reality MTV show "The Hills" was going to be tossed onto the trash-heap of shows that I no longer wasted my time on. Lauren Conrad was pretty much the only sane person on the show in my opinion, and with her leaving I assumed that would mean we would be subjected to the contrived, ridiculous antics of Heidi and Spencer and the lame attempts by Audrina and Stephanie Pratt to increase their air-time on the show.

Then it was announced that Laguna Beach bad girl Kristin Cavallari had deigned to return to the MTV fold after her attempts at an actual acting career were not going as she had planned. Kristen knows why she was hired - because she has a reputation for stirring up trouble where ever she goes and she seems quite happy to live up to this.

Don't you just love it? And hate yourself for loving it? I know I do! None of them even bother arguing that it is an actual reality show anymore. Cause they knew they were not fooling any of us! Clearly Heidi and Spencer are going to continue with their contrived and ridiculous antics. I am certain that Audrina, Stephanie and now apparently Heidi Montag will be trying super hard not to be as irrelevant as ever. And Jayde's face will still scare me just a little. Aside from the return of Kristen, the only other redeeming quality of this season is that the fabulous Lo is still on the show. Although I really kinda wish she wasn't. Lo my girl, you are so much better than The Hills. I hope you know that.

I know that this show is bullsh*t. I know that it is staged and "scripted" and is not reality. But it is so much fun to watch. I can't stop myself from watching. I know I will be watching, Monday nights on MTV Canada at 7.00 or 10.00pm. September 27th..... "The B*tch is back"

Team Kristen till the end.... you?

XO

Spencer Pratt - King of the Fame Whores

Oh Spencer Pratt – you genius you!

Here is the deal. I am an intelligent person. I know that the only reason you are doing this is for the press. I also know that I should ignore you if there is any hope that you & your twit of a wife will disappear. Unfortunately, I am shamed to admit that I am unable to resist your asinine charms. Today, Spencer Pratt - one half of the fame-whoriest couple in America - has taken said fame-whorishness to a whole new stratosphere.

Apparently it is not enough for him that he is known as the biggest douche in Hollywood. He wants to add the moniker of “king” to his title. Seriously. According to US Weekly, Spencer is going to change his name to “King Spencer Pratt”. Sigh. Word is he has decided that America needs a king and has nominated himself for the role.

To this entire situation I say, why? Followed closely by WTF?

Isn’t it enough that he chooses to whore out his wife to Playboy, MTV, Ms Universe and whoever has enough cash to make it worth his while? Or that “Speidi” claim they do everything in the name of Jesus? Or that he regularly stages the most ludicrous photo-ops with the paparazzi? Or that he is another Hollywood celebrity who is famous for doing nothing?

Sadly no.

Spencer Pratt has studied hard at the altar of the Hiltons, Jenners and Kardashians & is slowly building an empire that will rival that of Ms Hilton herself. All that is missing is a sex tape or a baby. And if the trailer for Season 5 of The Hills is any indication, one of these will be coming shortly.

Can I get an Amen on this one?

XO

The Week In Review

What a week. I finally got off my lazy and sadly expanding ass and started this damn blog. Yay me. But that does not help with the expanding ass or laziness really does it? Crap. Who cares. The plan is to update a few times a week, but I said that with a live journal account also.....hmmm... what was the login for that again. Gah.


Crazy Mother-effing Twihards

Mr Edward Cullen AKA Robert Pattinson was attacked by crazy fans on multiple occasions on NYC. All you people who told us Vancity peeps to leave him the hell alone - People in Glass Houses, should not be throwing stones!! At least the crazy fans (of which there are many, trust me) in Vancouver did not result in him being grazed by a fricking cab! Come on people - do you really think squealing like a lunatic, and attempting to strangle him is gonna make him want you? Srsly? Get back on the meds people and let the man work.


My personal fave is the blonde in need of having her roots done is strangling the man while he is walking down the street. Yea honey, he is so gonna want to love you forever after that. Sheesh. No serenades, or smouldering looks for you sunshine (or is that just my fantasy.... sigh)

Stephanie Pratt had Bulimia for a minute or two......

Stephanie Pratt announced to the world that she developed Bulimia as a result of being on the Hills. I mocked her for this on Twitter by pulling out that fantastic Heathers Quote "Grow up Stephanie Pratt, bulimia is so '87". Some thought that was a little harsh. To clarify, bulimia is a serious disease, and I do not mock people who have it. But the occasional binge and/or purge does not a bulimic make in my opinion. Ugh, she is so annoying and stupid. And to go to a tabloid to announce it. Ugh ugh ugh.





Speidi's quest for World domination to be thwarted by E!?



To continue with the Pratt theme, E! is this close to banning the two biggest fame-whores in the world from their site. Kudos to you E!, but we shall see. Speidi are like herpes, they may go away for a while, but it just takes one slip for them to come back. Couldn't they have just left them in Costa Rica?

From this

To This

Snicker..

I finally saw Drag Me To Hell with my friend Kent this weekend. It was a little bit of awesome. So disgusting and fabulous and funny. I did not really enjoy Alison Lohman, she was a little meh for me - but the crazy old Gypsy lady ( Baba-Ganoush?) more than made up for her lack of emotion. I was expecting to see a little of what Hell was like. As I have a seat waiting for me there and all, I was kind of interested in seeing what it would be like. Oh well, I guess I will just wait and see.

This totally p'wned this

We then snuck into The Proposal. Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds and the incomparable Betty White. Love her so hard. I wish she was my grammy (I have none left, so I can say that without offending anyone - I also wish Leo, one of the volunteers at my work was my Grampa - he is most adorable). It was cute - typical rom-com fluff. More Ryan Reynolds naked (or at least shirtless) would have made me happier. I have heard not nice things about him - that he is a dick in real life, one of those I am a celebrity leave me alone type people, so that tainted my view of him a little. He also has the beady eyes going on, and I am an eye person. But that body.... le sigh. Scar-Jo is one lucky untalented singer.

Sadly, 2 movies in a row left me very nappish, so I bailed on a BBQ I was s'posed to go to and went home and watched a few eps of Buffy Season 5 - The Body is coming up and it always kills me - the scene when Anya is talking about how stupid and mortal it all is - Joss Whedon is a genius and Emma Caufield played it perfectly. But I digress.....

The Much Music Video Awards were on this evening. They are hard to describe for anyone outside of Canada. Seem way more fun than other Award Shows, but when the closing number is Nickelback........ sigh. The awards are like the high school version of a Broadway Show - they think they are fabulous and amazing and just as good as the real thing, but deep down inside you just know that they are not. Nickelback is just so bad. And they are not the greatest rock band in the world. It was the Juno's all over again. But thankfully I wasn't forced to breathe the same air as them tonight as they were in T.O. The crowd is also so random - Cleavagey slutbomb Cougars for Chad and the boys and hysterical tweens for the Vagina Virgins and Taylor Lautner. I guess the tweens could have brought their slutty moms? Hmmmmm. Lady Gaga was awesome - I really wish I had jumped on her bandwagon earlier. Kelli Clarkson was also great (she is just a great singer). I didn't know who half the rest of the "talent" was. See - high school. Jonas Brothers seem sweet and nice and sugary. And boring as hell. But whatever. It will only be a mater of time before one of them comes out and another is in rehab.

Lots more going on in the world than this bullshit though. Apparently my cousin's envoy in Afghanistan was attacked. He is not military, he works for the UN - but still. Holy Crap. They were all fine, but they had to crawl out from under the truck/car/van. He is kind of done with Afghanistan I think. Wants to move to NYC - which would be all kinds of awesome as I heart NYC with a fiery passion and would love somewhere to stay.

And Iran. Even though I do not claim to know a lot about what is goin on there, all I have read points to a false election and rigged results. Kinda like the US 2000 election? Ha ha ha Seriously though, that is lame.

But I will leave you with this amazing video of Johnny Depp on his birthday. From Puerto Rico. The man is all class, so shy and humble. And when he gives that girl the look. OMFG. There are no words. I used to know someone who could give that look. Sigh. It was a long long time ago. My Johnny Depp is now married with 2 kids. But I remember when I used to get that look. Loins quivering. Thanks to Lainey for posting this originally


XO