Chris Brown "sentenced"

He officially got away with it. Yay to Chris Brown and his fancy high-priced legal team. He is young and rich and powerful and he got away with beating the crap out of his girlfriend.

Remember, 3 weeks after beating the crap out of his girlfriend he was photographed in Miami, flirting with some fame hungry and highly unintelligent girls, riding a jetski without a care in the world.

In case you had forgotten, he punched her repeatedly, tried to push her out of a moving vehicle, smashed her head into a window, bit her, choked her to the point where she almost lost consciousness, and threatened to kill her - all while in a moving vehicle. But he is not going to jail.

He received 5 years probation, an order to complete a domestic violence program and 180 hours of "hard labour" in Virginia. He must also stay away from the woman he beat the crap out of.

I have written about this before. Anything I say will be a rehash of what I have already said. There a NO WORDS for what he did. No excuses or explanations that he can give that will make it okay or make me forget what he did. I am literally incapable of writing down a coherent, logical thought right now. See this for my opinion.

http://theglasshousecelebrityblog.blogspot.com/2009/07/chris-browns-faux-pology.html

According to TMZ, there were girls at the courthouse screaming that they loved him. And you wonder why I am such a cynical bitch? People suck.

XO

Jessica Biel can be hazardous to your Computer

According to McAfee, if you search for Jessica Biel online, you have a one in five chance of stumbling across a website with malaware. Poor Jessica can't catch a break anywhere can she!

She works so hard being the perfect Hollywood girlfriend to Justin Timberlake, auditioning for so many roles that she knows she will never get. Trying to be taken seriously as an artist in Hollywood. And that is going really well for her right?

Poor Jessica. Now she can't even rely on horny desperate teenage boys doing a search for some old topless shots of her to keep her star somewhere on the horizon. So sad.

Maybe it is time to pull out a sex tape Jess? Cause what else is there for you?



XO

Shameless Fame Whores do Ms Universe

Sigh. So Heidi Montag "performed" at the Miss Universe Pageant over the weekend. The clip below pretty much speaks for itself. This was a FAIL of monumental proportions.


Lets start with the ensemble shall we? That cheap and tacky glittery outfit. It was too short in the legs, the colour was amazingly bad, and what the f*ck was up with the crotch area?


The "singing" - honey, you should really have made an effort to learn the words to the song you are lip-synching to. I mean the song sucks no matter which way you look at it, but you could at least have made an effort. Sigh. And to now claim it was "live". Ha! Don't make me laugh.


The "dancing" - I have no words for the badness. What the f*ck was that? Did a blind person who has also been diagnosed with a lack of rhythm choreograph that travesty? Seriously? What the f*ck was that?

I have made a conscious effort not to write about these two idiots. They get enough press as it is. Too much press. They need to disappear forever. Also, they make me so frustrated that the rant would be very very very long. With lots of profanity.

The whole Playboy fiasco. For one, she was not even f*cking naked...... she poses for the paps in a f*cking bikini on a daily basis. How is this spread (or lack thereof) any different from any of the bazillion of other staged photo sessions we have seen over the past few years? Dumb F*ck.

And the whole God made my body and it is a beautiful thing bulls*it. Unless God is earning a little extra cash on the side doing boobjobs in Hollyweird, God had abso-f*cking-lutely nothing to do with your body hon, and don't try and claim otherwise.

I don't think I can even write about the orgasms....... the 20-30 orgasms her husband apparently gives her daily. Gag me with a mother f*cking spoon. On top of the ewwwwww. How would she even function having that many orgasms a day? Is that even possible? And Spencer Pratt, with his little goat-hair soul patch is the master giving you all this amazing pleasure? I shudder to think. Excuse me while I go throw up in a corner.

Why does she always look like she is about to put a dick in her mouth? Seriously? D-List porn stars have more facial expressions than her. Ugh. I just really really find these people loathsome and pointless. I hope for a day, in my lifetime, when you actually have to have talent to be considered a celebrity. Cause really, what have these to contributed to the world?

Shortish rant. But I am holding back. A lot. I used to consider them a guilty pleasure. Now, I just try not to consider them at all.

XO

Chack Bass is going Gay?

Instead of giving an actual storyline to their openly gay character - Eric van der Woodsen - the Powers at the CW have decided instead to make Chuck Bass (my shamef*ck Ed Westwick) gay for Blair.



Apparently in an upcoming episode of the CW's guiltiest of pleasures, Chuck Bass will make out with a boy - he seduces the boy in question (Neal Bledsoe pictured below on the right) in an effort to ensure that Blair is granted the honor of delivering the freshman speech at NYU or something lame like that. To be honest, I really don't care why Charles is kissing a boy (and liking it?), I just hope it is at least halfway hawt.

It probably won't be. It will be chaste and there will be no tongue or passion. A girl can dream right?

Here are a few shots of some of the cast in yet more formal attire..... Question: how does "wrong side of the bridge Vanessa" afford a different ball gown every week? Hmph.

PS: I have to say that I love that they cast Gina Torres (from Angel and Firefly) and Vanessa's mom. Maybe she will make Vanessa a little less vanilla? Here's hoping! Only a few more weeks until GG is back baby!

XO

Have you protected yourself?

So I spent last night building a fort out of cushions. I taped my windows closed, and have made a special hat out of aluminum foil that will hopefully ward off the filth that has invaded my city. Not only my city, but my immediate vicinity.

Ugh. Paris Hilton is in town and already the s*it has hit the fan. There was a city wide power blackout today....... coincidence? I think not.

She is filming an episode of Supernatural where she plays an evil version of herself or something. I don't know. I don't care. I just want her to leave. Before something really bad happens.

The one saving grace is that she didn't let her boyfriend come with. One fame whore is bad enough. But both of them here? Gawd. I would have to leave town for a few days. Doug is apparently pleading to get back on The Hills. Cause being the boyfriend of the most useless celebrity in existence isn't sinking low enough.

These pics kinda make me throw up in my mouth a little. But it is important to look at them. To remember what she is. And what she can do.

I am sure Paris will be trying to hook up with the way more relevant Twilight crew while she is here. Any press she can get while she is in town right?

If you don't hear anything from me it may mean I have been infected by Paris. I am not sure where she is staying, but the possibilities are few and they are either super close to my house or blocks from my work. Eek! Pray from me friends.

XO

PS: Remember that lawsuit from a few weeks ago? Well, flirting with the judge worked. She got off.

Happy Birthday Mr Skarsgard

Holy mother of Sookie Stackhouse. How amazing was True Blood? Every week, I say the same thing... there are no words. There are words for this episode. Here are three: Evan Rachel Wood - next week. Cannot wait. Hopefully she can take care of Mary-Ann, cause I am kinda over her and her orgy, heart eating, black-eyed bullshit. I want more Eric dammit. And none of this dream sequence garbage. Sookie needs to dump bland Bill and get her freak on with Eric. Pronto!

I must confess that Jason and Andy were Dumb & Dumber wrapped up in total amazingness. As was my Lafayette - "worst mother-f*cking intervention in history". Love it. Love love love it. Only 2 more episodes left this season. This week, then a week break because of Labour Day. And then that is it. No more Sookie and Eric dream f*cking. No more hawt dumb Jason. No more earnest boring Bill. No more horny Jessica with her never breaking hymen. None of it. Gone. Until next June. F*ck, f*ck, f*ck that.

Here is the trailer for next weeks episode. If you pause at the 24th second - there she is! Queen of the Louisiana Vampires. Yay!

Special shout out today to my boo Alexander Skarsgard. Happy 33rd Birthday honey-child. Call me. If you need help, ummmm..... cleaning up in that tub, let me know. Sigh.

XO

Paused for Station Identification

Ugh. real life most definitely interruptus.

Sick for 2 days. Fecking migraines coming back to bite me in the ass.

Mini-vacay to Point Roberts with friends over the weekend. No computer! Minimal interweb access. Eeek! Can't imagine how I survived. Oh wait: wine, beach, good friends, sunshine and s'mores.......

Last night was a right off. I was building a fort out of cushions for reasons that will become clear shortly.

But I am back baby!

Miss me?

PS: Melrose Place is showing up on my PVR..... f*ck yea! Only 2 weeks until my stories - new and old - are back!