Music Monday: From my Keyboard to Your I-Pod

Greetings & salutations friends. I am feel just a little crappy today. Not quite sick, but feeling like it is about to happen any moment. Preemptive action was required. This involves bed, hot strong sweet tea and drugs. Wish me luck. Busy busy week at work, can't be sick. I am refusing to allow it to happen. I am blaming Paris Hilton. She was in Whistler over the weekend and apparently that was enough to make me sick. Bitch, really needs to stay the f*ck out of my country.

She also hugged one of the Olympic mascots. Anything bad that happens at the Olympics can now be blamed on Paris Hilton. I am serious. Already one of Canada's best hopes at a medal in skiing (I think, I don't know from sports) was injured on the weekend. Paris is to blame. I bet Stephen Colbert sent her up here to f*ck our sh*t up.

Anyways, only a very quick post today. Music music music is my boyfriend and today I bring you two indie peeps that I love. They are playing at the Commodore next week and I have just decided that I must attend.

Grace Potter & the Nocturnals. My friend Kent asked me how I had heard of these guys, and I have no f*cking idea. Maybe Grey's Anatomy? Cause even though the show sucks balls, they have good music. I just know they are awesome.

Brett Dennen..... he played with Missy Higgins a few years ago. Was supposed to see him at Bumbershoot in September, but the timing got all f*cked up and I couldn't swing it. Boo Hiss. Love him.

Love. Anyone else going next week? Then I have Gaga on Thursday. Very different styles I know. But that is how I roll.

XO

What's your Tweetcloud look like?

And no, this is not some crazy new pick up line. I am so not hip to what the kids are saying when they are out. Cause it is Saturday night, and I am watching some random Mickey Rourke, Diane Lane, Joseph Gordon-Levitt flick called Killshot. So far, JGL is the best thing in it. Basically cause I didn't know he was in it - his appearance in this flick is like a shiny toy surprise at the bottom of the cereal box.

Anyways, someone I follow on Twitter did this Tweetcloud thing, and I thought it was a little interesting. It is basically the words I have tweeted the most in the past 3 months. Apparently I like the word love. That concerns me, because my cold black heart doesn't really "love" easily. Interesting. I am also fond of awesome and amazing.

The one word that totally stands out is barbie. When the f*ck have I used the word barbie on Twitter.... Why the f*ck would I use the word barbie on Twitter. I think if this program could recognise words with "*" in them, this happy little cloud would be chock full of curse words.

I am enjoying making somewhat sensical phrases out of my cloud...... "wine time" "barbie monsters" and "Franco finally" are my faves so far. "Kanye fuck" is also amusing. He he he.

Holy crap! JGL just pulled a deer's head off a wall. And got thrown out a window. This movie is all kinds of crayzee. Prolly not in a good way. And they just mentioned the Toronto MAFIA. Bwahhhhh. Who knew?

XO

Celebrity etiquette

Here in Vancity we see our fair share of celebrities wandering the streets. Lots of filming going on here, and a number of TV productions use Vancouver as the backdrop for Anywhere USA. With the exception of the stars of the Twilight Saga, most celebrities are able to navigate the streets of our fair city pretty much unscathed. I live right downtown and 2 blocks from one of the Hotels that is frequented by visiting Hollyweird type people so you would think I would see a ton right? Not so much.

Prolly because I am not paying attention, but it is not often that I see famous people out and about. I saw Joshua Jackson buying a Skytrain ticket about a month ago, and that was enough for the rest of they year! Love that he rides the Skytrain.

Nathan Fillion (star of Firefly, Dr Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog and Castle) announced to his followers on Twitter that he is in Vancouver over the American Thanksgiving weekend. And I saw him in London Drugs today. Squeeeeee. Total fangirl moment. Not that I said anything to him. I actually started to sorta kinda follow him around the store, but then realised that was far too creepy and weird, so I went on my way.

For a shameless celebrity whore like me, you are probably rather shocked that I didn't say anything to him. And I have a couple of reasons why I have never approached a celebrity. One is that I can never think of anything witty to say. "Hi, I think your awesome... I loved you in X,Y or Z" just seems silly and trite and inconsequential to me. And then, by the time I think of the perfect memorable thing to say, the celebrity in question is long gone. Boo hiss to that. The other reason I keep my trap shut and just stealthily stalk from afar is because I think it is kind of rude to interrupt someone while they are doing their thing. I just can't reconcile myself with the idea that going up to a celebrity while they are on the street, in a store, at a gas station, in a restaurant, at the gym is okay. I know they say they don't mind, and I am sure that at least half of them actually don't, but I just find it kinda rude.

I realise this makes me a massive f*cking hypocrite. I have no problem whatsoever dissecting their lives in this wee blog, commenting on what they are wearing, who they are banging and every other aspect of their life. To give me a teeny tiny bit of credit, at least I don't post any images that are clearly taken with a super long lens. If it looks like the celebrity is inside a private residence or hotel, I won't post it. I think that is just a little odd and creepy and wrong.

So Nathan, if you are reading this.... Loved your hat. I think you are awesome, I loved you in Firefly, Dr Horrible, Buffy and am currently enjoying you on Castle. Oh and The Hammer is My Penis.

XO

It's a Brand New Day

One of my favourite shows on Television – and yes, I do understand that I have far too many favourite shows – is 24. Although it is on lame Fox, I have watched it from Season One and am excited to see what crazy shenanigans Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland) and Chloe O’Brien (Mary-Lynn Rajskub) will get up to on the next “worst day of their lives.” This is Season 8 and it looks pretty fantastical – literally.

24 has never been a show that embraces realism. They never eat, got to the bathroom, get stuck in traffic, rip their clothing while tussling with the bad guys or do any of the things that regular people do during the course of a day. But that is part of its charm. A total and complete escape from your life, the only catch being that you also have to suspend your belief in reality for one short hour per week.

I have a feeling that Season 8 is going to be awesome and amazing. And bordering on ridiculous – as always. Some great new additions to the cast, and a move to the East Coast. It is about time that another city in the US had a really bad day and has to be saved courtesy of CTU and Jack Bauer.

About Season 8 Fox says:

"Season Eight resets in New York City where a retired Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) is unwillingly drawn back into the intense action after learning of a plot to assassinate Middle Eastern peace-keeping leader Omar Hassan (Anil Kapoor). Meanwhile, Renee Walker (Annie Wersching) and Chloe O’Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub) return alongside CTU newcomers Dana Walsh (Katee Sackhoff), Brian Hastings (Mykelti Williamson) and Cole Ortiz (Freddie Prinze Jr). "

Squeeeeee!!!!!! Katie Sakhoff (Starbuck from Battle Star Galactica)! Freddie Prinze Jr! Anil Kapoor (creepy game show host from Slumdog Millionaire)! Mykelti Williamson (best know for his role as Bubba in Forrest Gump). Don’t forget - this is 24. The show that kills off characters regularly. And kills off regular characters regularly. Chances are one of these four (or maybe even Renee) will die in the first half of the season. No-one is safe! Do you ‘member last season when they killed the amazing Bill Buchanen (James Morrison). I am still a little upset about that. Bill was awesome.

From the trailer below it looks all kinds of wacky and wonderful. I am just praying that Jack’s daughter Kim (Elisha Cuthbert) will only be in the first hour. I tried to like her and actually last season she only made me want to stab myself with something pointy once or twice (OMG – do you remember when she was saying goodbye to her dad, cause she thought he was dying – it was like they wanted to jump each others bones….it had an ewwww factor times a billion).

I also just heard the amazing news that Gregory Itzen is coming back in a multi-episode arc as President Charles Logan. I guess the traitorous former leader of the free world survived being stabbed with a kitchen knife by his crazy ex-wife Martha (Jean Smart). No word yet as to whether Smart will be reprising her role. Apparently the current President – the amazing Cherry Jones – reluctantly asks for assistance from the former President during the course of the day. According to executive producer Howard Gordon “the opportunity for these two remarkable actors to share the stage was simply too compelling to pass up.”

The new (and part of me thinks the final) Season of 24 premiers on January 17th with what I am sure will be a two hour extravaganza. Do not call. Do not text. Do not tweet. For those two hours I do not exist.

XO

Why People Suck.

I am not really a fan of Adam Lambert's music. I am typically more of a "substance" rather than "show" person when it comes to musical taste. I was not very impressed with his performance at the American Music Awards last Sunday night. Not because of anything he did specifically, although I did find his whole performance completely over the top and unnecessary, it was also that I didn't feel that his vocals were very strong. However, the complete and total hypocritical bullsh*it taking place on American Network TV right now makes me want to support him.

In case you were not aware, Adam Lambert closed the American Music Awards show by shoving his crotch in a dancer's face, making out with another member of his band and doing something to someone crotch that completely reminds me of this stripper I saw once..... True and funny story ...... About 10 or so years ago I was at the North Burnaby Inn with a bunch of people from work. They had a $3.99 Roast Beef Dinner, and really cheap beer. This girl was dancing, doing her thing, and she got upset that the dudes in the first row were not paying attention to her. So she stuck her hand down her g-string, dug her fingers in there real good and then...ummm...how do I say this..... there is actually no way to say this without cringing...... she flicked her juices in their faces. It was both hysterical and disturbing. I have never seen anything like it. Maybe that is what Lambert was doing. Getting ready to flick the juices of one of his dancers in Jay Z's face?

Anyways. Off topic, but funny as hell right? Back to Adam Lambert. There was an "outcry" after his performance. ABC edited most of it out of the West Coast feed and apparently received over 1,500 complaints. And not one of them was about his screechy performance. As a result of this "outcry", Lambert was disinvited from a scheduled performance on Good Morning America. Citing concerns over whether his performance would be appropriate for early morning TV. Cowards. F*cking cowards. Not because of anything he might do. But because they caved to the f*cking conservatives. CBS's The Early Show snapped him up quickly and he appeared on their show on Tuesday. Good on them right? Way to not completely overreact right? At first.

During the interview they had with Lambert, they chose to blur out the kiss between Lambert and his bandmate, but showed that stupid Madonna-Brtiney kiss from the MTV Awards a few years ago. When questioned by advocacy groups and entertainment shows about this blatant double standard this is the response they gave: "We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.” BULL-F*CKING-SH*T. What they should have said was: "We were to scared that seeing 2 men kiss would freak out our advertisers and incur the wrath of the bible belt." Again I say F*cking cowards.

But for me, this pales in comparison to what the powers that be at ABC decided. In a true demonstration of how f*cking insane people can be, Good Morning America invited convicted felon Chris Brown to be on their show. You remember Chris Brown right? He is the non-repentant asshole who beat the crap out of his girlfriend. Back in February, while in a moving car he choked, bit, punched, slammed her head into the window & dash of his $250,000 car and threatened to kill his girlfriend. Yes, he took a plea. Yes he apologised. But what has he actually done to show he is sorry? To the best of my knowledge, everything he has done has been mandated by a judge. There has been no actual regret. This is not cowardly. This is F*cking insane and infuriating and incomprehensible.

An openly gay entertainer may offend the viewing public? Because what - is he gonna go at it on stage with someone? Pfft! But an unrepentant abuser of women perfectly acceptable.

People wonder why I am so cynical and typically dislike people. This is why.

XO

The First of Chase?

Okay, so this is coming from Star magazine so is probably total bulls*it. And even if the woman in question actually made these comments, note that she is a professional fame-whore so again - probably total bulls*t. But this is just far too amusing to not comment on.....

Shauna Sands.... I don't really know what her claim to fame is. Porn Star? Playboy in the 90's? Married to and divorced from Lorenzo Lamas? Plastic surgery nightmare? She is all of these things (except for the porn star, of that I am not sure) Anyways, she has apparently told Star magazine that in 2003, she not only deflowered a then 18 year old Gossip Girl hottie Chace Crawford, but that they dated on and off for about a year.

I guess this could conceivably be true? An 18 year old guy dating a Playmate who is 14 years older than he is? I can imagine that would be pretty cool right? Even if she is a plastic woman....But really.... a boy as pretty as Chace waiting until he was 18 to pop his cherry? Doubtful. I am sure that he had chicks throwing themselves at his perfectly manicured self from the age of about 14. Sh*t I am sure that his friend's mothers were hitting on him daily.

I am calling bulls*it on Shauna Sands. I am sure that she has someting to pimp. A book? A make-up line for the Home Shopping Network? My guess is she is bitter about her ex-hubby's reallity show and is looking for some press of her own.....

'Nuff said.

XO

Cop Convicted in SJP Surrogate Theft - yes, a Cop!

Since the birth in late June, and the release of one family photo a week later, we have seen very little of Marion & Tabitha Broderick - twin daughters of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, born via a surrogate. The family have kept a very low profile, which is pretty surprising considering Sarah has been hard at work filming the Sex & The City 2 sequel for the past few months. Good for them! Although, if I am honest with ya'll I would secretly really like to see a new batch of photos of these budding fashionista's.

The family was back in the press late yesterday with news out of Ohio of a conviction in the theft case surrounding the surrogate mother of the girls. Police Chief (yes, Police Chief) Barry Carpenter was found guilty of three of the six charges he was accused of - receiving stolen property, tampering with evidence and theft in office.

Apparently Police Chief Barry Carpenter, along with Police Chief Chad Dojack - who goes on trial in January - met with "freelance photographers" offering ultrasound pictures, photos, legal documents about the surrogacy agreement and other items. By "freelance photographers" I am assuming they mean paparazzi..... How heinous is that? Carpenter claims that the conversations with the photographers were a joke, and that he only entered the house of Ross when he noticed a door ajar. BULLS*IT.

Holy mother f*ckers. Is anyone else totally and completely creeped out by this whole situation. I know that not all police are exactly ethical - or moral for that matter (a vast majority are I am sure), this is just beyond horrible. To break into a pregnant woman's house and steal ultrasound images that you are planning on selling to the highest bidder? This just makes me cringe. It would be horrible if a regular dirtbag did it, but for someone whose job it is to uphold and enforce the law? Asshole. Special place in hell for people like this.

There are no words for what I hope happens to this guy in prison. But let me just say that I hope his cellmate wanted to "Save Ferris" at some point in his life.

XO

ABC = the moral majority and J-Lo's b*tch

WTF is up with ABC editing out J-Lo's fall on the American Music Award's? One little fall, which she recovered from admirably and they edit it out on the West Coast feed. Anyone wanna bet that J-Lo had a hissy fit backstage and demanded they do something about it. I guess she failed to realise that editing it out would just make everyone wanna see it more. And that it is all over the interwebs for us all to watch... over and over again.

Also, WTF was up with that song? Clearly Jennifer has absolutely no interest in relating to 95% of the population who have never even seen a Loubouton, let alone worn a pair. Sigh. Jenny needs to check herself and understand that songs about $400 pairs of shoes just prove to everyone listening that she is not Jenny from the Block anymore.

Another huge WTF to Adam Lambert for f*cking up his attempt to break free from the mantle of Idol Alumni. Making out with a boy... blah blah blah.... shoving a guy's face in your crotch, and grinding..... blah blah blah... doing something odd to a female dancer crotch ( I still can't figure out what he was doing)... blah blah blah..... average singing... ding...ding...ding!!!

I don't care that he kissed a boy, and he liked it. But saying it wasn't staged? C'mon Adam, do we all look new to you? I call bullshit on his "in the moment" claims. He did it for the press. I have no doubt in my mind. What are we all talking about today? How shocking he was! How daring! Ugh. Be a fame whore. Do it. But try a little subtlety.

I agree there is a double standard.... But what I am interested in is that he singing was mediocre at best. Screechy and flat are two words that immediately spring to mind. I was never really on the "Glambert" bandwagon. I am typically about the singing as opposed to all the showy crap around the performance. Give me a someone who can just stand there and sing (Kelly Clarkson..... for instance) and I am a happy happy musical geek. Adam Lambert was always about the performance. Not the singing. He seems to be all about the show. And as it stands right now, that is all he has.

PS: Kelly Kelly Kelly Clarkson. I love you. You are an amazing talent. But please please please, hire a stylist, or have very stern words with the one you currently have. Yes, it is all about the singing. But when you can wail like Ms Clarkson, you can afford to puit some effort into the outfit as well.

PPS: Awards were given out. Click here for a list. Jermaine Jackson needs to GO AWAY.

PPPS: I know I am gonna burn even deeper in Hell, but am I the only one who is a little over Taylor Swift's "aw shucks I won again" schtick? I love her, but no-one can be that sweet. Just saying.

XO

Christmas Conundrum!

Up until 5 years ago, I worked pretty much every Christmas. It was fine with me, I have very few family here and thought it would be good karma to let those who were from here spend time with their family. Whether they wanted to or not! Anyways now that I have a more office-type job, I get to live like a somewhat regular person and not work on Christmas or Boxing Day.

In the past 5 years my Aunt and I have developed a fun Christmas ritual. Christmas Eve we go to Christ Church Cathedral to sing carols (every year it makes me happy to not burst into flames as I walk into a house of G.O.D), we then go back to her house where I spend the night, then next morning we have Eggs Bennie then she drops me at home and does her thing while I normally end up getting taken in as a stray by one of my friends.

This year, I must confess that I am a little torn. I love spending time with my friends and their families, but this year there are some amazing films being released on Christmas Day. Would it be totally wrong to just spend some quality time alone in a darkened theatre on Christmas Day instead? I can’t decide!

There are no less than three films scheduled to open on December 25th that I am peeing my pants to see. I could conceivably see two of them on Christmas day and then see the next on Boxing Day right?

First up is Sherlock Holmes. RDJ, Jude Law, Rachel McAdams. How could I not see this? Guy Ritchie directing. RDJ shirtless. Enough said. I have been completely in love with Robert Downey Junior since I was a teenager. Remember the movie Less than Zero? I know that his character Julian was a drug addicted male whore who overdosed at the end, but I loved him. Loved him enough that I decided that if I were to have a son, they would be named Julian. Then in my first year of University I met a guy called Julian who was the complete and total opposite of RDJ’s tortured Julian. Ruined the name for me. But not the man. Mad mad mad love for Robert Downey Junior. Can’t wait to see this movie.

Second is Rob Marshall’s musical masterpiece Nine. Daniel Day Lewis… Nicole Kidman… Penelope Cruz… Marion Colltiard…Dame Judi Dench… Sophia Loren. How could you not want to see this?? It looks amazing. I don’t even really care what it is about……something to the effect of DDL is a director trying to work on his latest masterpiece. Things are not going well, so he looks back over his life, at the women who have influenced him. It has music. It has Nicole Kidman. It has Daniel Day Lewis. I am sold!

Opening in limited release on Christmas Day is Heath Ledger’s last film The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Directed by Terry Gilliam, this movie looks totally fantastical. It played at the Vancouver International Film Festival in September. They actually had to add extra screenings for it. I didn’t go, because I am lame. Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law stepped in after Ledger’s tragic death and are playing the character of Tony in the different “worlds” that he goes to. And the fact that they donated their paychecks to little Matilda melts my cold black heart. I am just hoping that limited release includes Vancouver!

That is three. Can you appreciate the quandary I am in? I know that I should do the social thing. But if you know me in real life, you know that I am not a fan of any organized holidays. Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving. Any of them. Don’t care for them. They insist upon themselves (random quote from The Family Guy just popped into my head). Seriously though, they are commercial and frankly lame. Boo hiss. I am a grinch I know.

And it is not just Christmas Day movies I need to consider. There are quite a few other films coming out just in time for Award Season that I am super excited to see……… A quick rundown of how I will be spending my weekends until the New Year (another Holiday I traditionally do not partake in).

Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire opens next weekend. By all accounts, this is a movie that pretty much devastates whoever sees it. It looks amazing and I am curious to see Mariah Carey sans makeup.

Up In The Air with George Clooney, Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga. Jason Reitman’s latest film looks amazing. Clooney stars as Ryan Bingham, a corporate downsizing expert whose cherished life on the road is threatened just as he is on the cusp of reaching ten million frequent flyer miles and after he’s met the frequent-traveler woman of his dreams.It is receiving accolades everywhere it screens and I really cannot wait to see this film.

I am intrigued by Tom Ford’s directorial debut: A Single Man starring Colin Firth. Yes, that Tom Ford. It is about an English professor who tries to go about his day after the death of his partner. I am expecting an extremely well styled film – especially since it is set in the 1960’s. And it also has Julianne Moore, so I am happy.

There is also The Private Lives of Pippa Lee written and directed by Rebecca Miller (daughter of Arthur Miller and wife of Daniel Day Lewis), which I am hoping opens in Vancouver. Robin Wright is Pippa Lee who while trying to find her true self confronts both her past and the seeming perfection of her present life. It has a great supporting cast including Alan Arkin, Keanu Reeves, Julianne Moore, Maria Bello, Blake Lively and Monica Bellucci. It looks amazing.

Then there is Brothers with Natalie Portman, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire. Although the trailer pretty much tells you the whole plot of the movie (consider that your spoiler warning), the cast alone is sufficient to sustain my interest. Ii has finally been getting a little press. I am expecting to cry like a baby. It is a remake of 2004 Danish film, which worries me a little. Hopefully it doesn’t get f*cked up like most remakes.

And these are only a few of the flicks I wanna see. There is also The Messengers, Avatar, The Lovely Bones (another Christmas Day release – boo hiss), Invictus, The Young Victoria and probably more I have forgotten. These are also only films being released in 2009. If we move through to 2010…..I would be completely screwed.

So if you don't hear from me until the new year, I will be at the movies......

XO

Confessions of a Music Lovers I-Pod

Trying to get back on track with this here little musical interlude.

For those of you new to this game, "shuffle all" your i-pod and write down the first 15 songs that come up. No cheating! Unless artists show up more than once :)

1. The Replacements: Talent Show
2. Adele: Cold Shoulder
3: Robert Pattinson: To Roam (he he he)
4. The Smiths: Girlfriend in a Coma (weird coincidence - I am reading Douglas Copeland's book of the same name right now!)
5. She & Him: I Should Have Known Better
6. Cast of Spring Awakening: My Junk (with Lea Michelle from Glee!)
7. Joshua Radin: Friend Like You
8. George Harrison: What is Life
9. Lily Allen: The Fear
10: Nirvana: Polly
11. Monsters of Folk: Slow Down Joe
12. Mika: Grace Kelly
13. The Filthy Youth: Come Flash All Your Ladies (Ed Westwick from Gossip Girl's band)
14. Regina Spektor: Begin to Hope
15. Damien Rice: Sweet Avenue

Well there you have it. Anything new and exciting for you to scope out? Hit me up with some suggestions.

Although they didn't show up on this 15 I am throwing out a special mention to Bon Iver. Kristen Stewart was on Jimmy Fallon this week and mentioned them (I think they are on the soundtrack?) and she specifically mentioned an amazing acapella version of For Emma done in the hallway of a venue somewhere in Paris. I had heard it before, but forgotten about it. Thanks for the reminder Kristen! I was supposed to see Bon Iver at the Sasquatch festival earlier this year, but they were 20 minutes late and I got peeved and went back to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

And yes I kinda regret it as I saw the Yeah X3 again at Bumbershoot a few months later.

PS: Julian Casablancas tomorrow night at The Commodore! Very excited. It has been like 2 weeks since I have seen a live show!

XO

Suzanne's Book Club?

Okay, so I am in no way attempting to take over for the mighty mighty Oprah as the person who tells the world what to read, but no less than 3 books have come out in the last few weeks that have made me contemplate tearing myself away from my Vanity Fair and Entertainment Weekly. Clearly these are very important books. And no, I am not speaking of Todd Wilbur’s Top Secret Recipes Unlocked. Have you heard of this book? It tells you the recipe for making your very own Krispy Crème do-nuts….. amazing.

First up: Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has just released her first book: Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate and Political Attacks.

What is interesting about this whole situation is that Prejean’s carefully orchestrated book tour has been overshadowed by a number of things. First, TMZ claimed that they have a “sex tape” of Carrie Prejean. Secondly, Prejean settled her lawsuit against the Miss California USA official, reportedly because of said “sex tape”. And finally, it has been revealed by yet another tabloid new agency that there are actually no less than 7 “sex tapes.”

The funniest part of this whole thing is that these “sex tapes” are of Prejean performing a sex act… ummmm……alone. I’m sorry, but does anyone else find this kind of hysterical. A sex tape is one thing. But a tape of yourself masturbating? OMFG! There is nothing funnier. Apparently though, according to Sean Hannity at Fox News, what this Princess of Conservatism did is perfectly acceptable cause she was alone and she loved her boyfriend. Imagine if this had been someone form the Liberal camp! He would have demanded her head on a platter.

I have no interest in anyone seeing this tape. It is a private thing, and her ex is a douche for selling it. But for a woman who represents herself as the height of morality and who repeatedly speaks of the decline of traditional morality to have not one but seven tapes of herself masturbating? It is just to amazing for words. Carrie, when you have a second could you let me know exactly which chapter and verse in the Bible says it’s okay to get yourself off? I think that missed that when I was in Sunday school. Hypocritical idiot. Her 15 minutes are beyond up.

Next up is former Governor of Alaska, former vice-presidential candidate and former darling of the Republican Party Sarah Palin. Her book is cleverly entitled Going Rogue: An American Life. I personally would have much preferred a title that such as “You Betcha: An American Idiot” with a photo of a winking Sarah Palin in a hunting outfit.

Palin received a reported $5 million advance for the book, and my understanding is that the book is basically Palin whining about how none of what happened during the Presidential Campaign was her fault. I believe her explanation involves blaming the meanies (my word not hers) at the McCain camp for mishandling her and stifling her during the campaign.

Opinions on the book are mixed and decisive. Liberal commentators are calling bulls*it on many of the “facts” as stated in Going Rogue, whereas Conservative pundits are applauding her honesty and candor. Ugh. I am a little classier. Rather than calling Bulls*it, I think I have decided to go with the more traditional “Liar liar pants on fire.” I know, I have not read the book. But I sat through that Oprah Interview. That was enough for me.

The mighty mighty Oprah seemed to be barely able to hide her disdain for Palin and didn’t really get her to open up to anything we hadn’t heard before. It was actually pretty boring. Nothing new. The McCain team “mishandled” her during the campaign. Whine whine whine.I had to pay for my own vetting. Moan moan moan. Katie Couric was mean to me. Blah blah blah. The liberal elite media picked on me because I am a conservative woman. It is a double standard and it’s not fair!

This is another woman who really needs to go away. She and others claim that people within the McCain camp started bad mouthing her – calling her a diva and crackpot (or was it a wingnut?) weeks before the election. You know what, I kinda hope that she runs for office in 2012. Seeing her get her ass kicked again by Obama would be kind of funny.

I didn’t even know that this third book had been written until someone tweeted that the authors were amazing on Conan O’Brien. Self professed fame whores Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt – AKA Speidi have penned a book entitled How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. The title pretty much says it all.

Say what you will about these “celebrities” – but they are nothing if not persistent. With chapters titled “How to be Pretty on the Outside,” “How to be Pretty on the Inside,” “The Paps Are Your Friends.” Sigh Another book I don’t think I need to read to realize that it is a puerile piece of crap.

Although I would love to read all three of these books – just for the sh*ts & giggles as well as the fun it would be to mock them all - I absolutely refuse to even consider buying a copy of any of them. Much like the reason I will not go on Perez Hilton’s website, I refuse to do anything that will put even a penny into their pockets.

But if I had to chose, I think I would go with Speidi’s masterpiece. Cause I hear it has lots of pretty pictures. Pre and post surgery pics of Heidi are always fun to look at and snickering at the weird soul patch, beard monstrosity that Spencer regularly sports could keep me amused for at least 20 minutes. At least.

XO

New Moon Review

Yesterday was the day. I took a long weekend, dragged my 30+ year old self down the street to the Scotiabank Theatre to meet my friend Emma, waited in a line up for 90 minutes with a bunch of teenagers to see: squeal – The Twilight Saga: New Moon – squeal.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should confess that any comments on the movie are clouded by the bottle of wine that I drank before and during the film. I will be seeing it again next week with another friend, and am gonna be sober for the second sitting. I am pretty sure there are a few things I don’t remember. On a somewhat unrelated note, did you know that if you pour an entire bottle of wine into a Nalgene bottle, it really doesn’t look like that much?

Anyways…..New Moon is infinitely better than Twilight. This movie is not and is unlikely to ever be a critically acclaimed movie series. It is currently sitting at 38% amongst the Top Critics on Rotten Tomatoes. But the critics have not in any way discouraged the masses from seeing it. The Twilight Saga: New Moon has shattered the opening day record previously held by The Dark Knight, taking in an estimated $72.7 million dollars on Friday. Which is more than Twilight made on it’s opening weekend.

Considering the grand fromage of the source material, I think that script writer Melissa Rosenberg and director Chris Weitz did a decent job keep the schmaltz in check. It was and will always be total cheese, but there were only a few times when I actually threw up in my mouth just a little. Case in point: the scene where Alice “sees” Edward and Bella running through the woods – which I guess was supposed to be our first glimpse of a “changed” Bella. Snort. It was ridiculous and completely overdone. And other, much better known bloggers have commented on the catwalk style of Edward's entrance in the film.... totally spot on. And while I understand that Edward is much more intelligent than anyone in the school, couldn't he fake the fact that he is a student by bringing a notebook, or at least a pen? Come on, if you are worried about being found out, wouldn't you at least carry a backpack?

Thankfully the dark and moody blue lighting was replaced with more earth tones. Chris Weitz also chose to ditch the swirling, disjointed camera shots that Catherine Hardwick used in Twilight – except for the scene with Bella moping in the same chair (and strangely in the same sweatpants) while the camera panned around her, showing time passing outside her window after Edward leaves. I thought it was really well done.

Overall I thought the acting from all was decent. Nothing award winning, but not as amateurish as Twilight was. I am an unabashed fan of Kristen Stewart, and I thought that she did a great job again. I much prefer the Bella that she portrays as opposed to the Bella from Stephanie Meyer’s books. Rob was very very pretty and tortured and brooding. And did I mention pretty? Taylor Lautner did good – but, I’m sorry, I just can’t take him seriously in the role of Jacob. He looks 16. Jacob is supposed to look 25. It just doesn’t do it for me. But he was fine. And his abs are crazy sick.

As I expected, I very much enjoyed Anna Kendrick's Jessica. For the few lines she had - amazing. According to an interview I saw recently with Melissa Rosenberg, she was one of the only cast members whose improvised lines were consistently better than the scripted lines written by Rosenberg. Love her. Can't wait for Up in the Air. Also – can I tell you how much I love Billy Burke as Charlie? Funny and sweet and fantastic. He can rock that moustache like no-one I have seen before. Love the 'stache.

The Volturi were appropriately menacing. Michael Sheen’s Aro was perfectly over the top – a little campy, but clearly dangerous. Dakota Fanning needs to play a villain more often. With one sideways glance her Jane could cut anyone down to size. The wolfpack were shirtless. Which is pretty much all I have to say. They were shirtless. A lot. Actually, the whole time. Shirtless brown boys = goodness.

With few exceptions, the styling and look of the Vampires was far superior to Twilight. From the red and topaz eyes, to the clothes, to most of their hair. One noticeable exception is the incredibly hot in real life Jackson Rathbone. Jackson plays the unfortunate Jasper, whose hair made me laugh out loud. What was with that lock that was falling into his eyes? Bwahhhh. Even though Rachelle Lefevre was only in the film for about 2 minutes in total she looked awesome – her hair was flaming red as it should have been in Twilight.

The effects were good in parts and laughable in others. When Bella went cliff diving for instance. The diving - good. Even when she is getting hammered by the waves = good. but when she was knocked out? WTF was that? The position of her body was ridiculous. It was stiff and unnatural and not what would happen if you were in the water. Badness. The wolves were decent – their few fight scenes were fast and furious and pretty hard to follow. The scenes in Italy were beautifully shot – from Bella running through the crowds to find Edward to the Volturi chambers.

Overall, I found The Twilight Saga: New Moon the movie to be vastly superior to Twilight. Granted the budget was almost double that of the first flick. But the whole thing was just better for me. Yes it was cheese. Yes I laughed out loud at a few of the lines (but that was due to the horror that is Stephanie Meyer’s writing). But I am much happier with this one than with Twilight. Well done Chris Weitz. Well done!

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Like, it's like totally awesome, like you know? Like.

When I first moved to Canada my first job was at one of the major Tourist attractions as what basically amounts to a tour guide. It was a very popular attraction and there were a couple of regulars who I saw 2-3 times a week. I have fond memories of one woman in particular who used to bring her two little girls on what seemed like a daily basis for a number of years, so I got to know them pretty well.

These girls were adorable. Hailey and… f*ck I can’t remember her name. Their mom’s name was Amy. Anyways, for a while we had this game we would play. A little back-story for you: I pride myself on my command of the English language. I write, I read, I know and am comfortable using “fifty-cent” words. But there was one word that I would overuse. Like, incessantly. Like, ridiculously a lot. The game was very simple. Every time I said the word "like" they would say the word "ding". They said “ding” a lot. The girls found this game hi-larious and I quickly realised that I need to find another filler word.

Can you think of anyone who would benefit from this game? I know! I know! Let’s see if you can figure out who it is. Here are a few clues. This almost 17-year-old superstar loves pole dancing in short shorts at awards shows. Although she claims to love God she takes mildly suggestive photos of herself and posts them on Twitter for the world to see.

Do you know who it is yet? No? Let me give you a few more clues. She seems to think the smacking gum incessantly during interviews is perfectly acceptable and doesn’t listen to Jay Z because that is “pop” music - which she doesn’t listen to. Her words not mine. She also deleted said twitter account because a boy suggested it - and wrote a rap about it (sorry, I guess this would be pop, not rap right?). Finally this girl has obvious daddy issues and hates the Twilight phenomenon …. for no discernable reason. A catty person might say that her Twilight rant reeks of jealousy…

I know you know who it is? How could you not? Homegirl Miley Cyrus needs to find someone to play the “ding” game with her. Pronto. If your ears can handle the twang and the gum smacking, listen to this radio station interview where she disses the Twilight franchise and uses the word like more than should be allowed. I gave up counting after about 30.

Whoever is tasked with assisting Miley in expanding her vocabulary should also consider helping her to not sound like an ungrateful brat. Cause that is like exactly how she comes across in like every interview I have like heard recently. Couldn’t have something to do with all the positive press surrounding her BFF Taylor Swift could it? Sour grapes Miley? Tsk tsk. That is not very Christian of you!

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What the Puck?

My absolute favourite new show of the season has to be Fox's Glee. While I have yet to officially come out as a bonafide Gleek, this is the one show that I cannot do without on my PVR. It is awesomely amazingly fantastic. It makes me smile all the way down to my toes. What really pisses me off is that I hate Fox. They cancelled Dollhouse, they have moved Fringe to a crappy night. They are horrible and hateful, but they make Glee. And Family Guy. I so want to boycott them completely but I cannot. Can you see the conundrum I am in?

The cast of Glee have exploded. Many of them were complete unknowns and are now being photographed by the paps, invited to Hollywood partay's, featured regularly in the tabloids. Three of the shows male stars were recently featured in People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue. It is crazy. I have like a second degree of separation to Cory Monteith who plays the dimwitted Finn. He is from Vancity & is really good friends with one of my friends boyfriends. And some of the stuff I have heard. F*cking insane.

Maybe I should have Cory (not that I have even met the dude) chat with his costar Mark Salling (Puck) who according to published reports hooked up with The Hill's star Audrina Patridge at the US Weekly hot Hollywood party a few day ago. Really? Audrina Patridge. That was the best you could do? Come on buddy. You are hot. Your star is on the rise. Why are you hitching it to a reality show twit like Audrina? If you insist on banging an MTV "star" please..... anyone but her.

Puck needs to reign it in. He can land a lot of strange. He can do better. He should do better. Check it boy. Audrina? Ugh.

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Blame Canada?!?

My fellow Canadians: It’s called humour. Seriously. Get a sense of one. Stop writing letters to the editor. It is a FAKE news show. Stop fueling the f*cking fire. Seriously. F*ck. Me. You are making the rest of us look like idiots. Please just stop. It’s embarrassing. Not only to you. But to the rest of us who aren’t morons.

I am a proud Canadian. Although I was not born and raised here, I have been a citizen since birth. I learnt the Canadian National Anthem from going to see the Canucks at GM Place (although if I am honest, I go for the Leafs). I love the truth that if I so chose I could go sailing, golfing and skiing in one day – even though I don’t do any of these things in my everyday life. I have lived here for almost 15 years! I am Canadian.

As a Canadian, I would like to apologise for the idiocy of some of my fellow Canucks. Some of us here in the Great White North understand the concept of comedy. I know that this may be hard to believe in light of recent events, but some of us have even mastered the idea of satire.

Some of us realise that that Stephen Colbert is getting a sh*tload of press as a result of this little spat he is having with the Richmond Oval. Some of us have comprehended that the more press he gets, the more $$$ will be donated to the US speed-skating team. That he is sponsoring. By asking viewers to donate funds. This why he is doing this.

This whole ridiculous story started early in November when Colbert stepped in to sponsor the cash strapped US Speed-Skating team when one of their major sponsors went bankrupt. The team will have “Colbert Nation” emblazoned on their skin tight lycra unitards….uniforms that show every muscle, every bulge…. Sorry lost myself for a minute……

Anyways, around 2 weeks ago Colbert lashed out at the Richmond Oval accusing Canada of cheating by not allowing equal access to the ice at the Richmond Oval. Calling us all “Saskatchewhiners” , “ice-holes” & “syrup-suckers” Colbert then went on to put Canada “On Notice”. Now you may think that is a little harsh, but all of this was done to Celene Dion’s My Heart Will Go On – which Colbert declares is the Canadian National Anthem. Ha ha ha. Well at least it wasn't Nickelback, right?

What Colbert didn’t mention (nor did his whiny bitch of a guest – US Speed Skater Joey Cheek) was that the Host Country at any Olympic games traditionally has an advantage and gets to use the training facilities more than other countries – and that other countries typically do not cry about it on National TV. Anyways, that is not the point of this.

The Olympic Organising Committee has responded to this as a legitimate complaint - refuting Colbert’s claims. The operators of the rink - The City of Richmond – have taken a different tack. They have sent a highly amusing letter to Colbert, asking him to assume the title of Richmond Oval Ombudsmen “to ensure that no American speed-skater is mistreated or otherwise harmed in the making of the Olympic speed-skating competition”.

No word from Colbert’s camp as to whether he will be making his way North.

Again, On behalf of Canadians I am sorry. I really am. We are not all this silly and unable to take a joke. Sigh.

XO