Suzanne's Book Club?

Okay, so I am in no way attempting to take over for the mighty mighty Oprah as the person who tells the world what to read, but no less than 3 books have come out in the last few weeks that have made me contemplate tearing myself away from my Vanity Fair and Entertainment Weekly. Clearly these are very important books. And no, I am not speaking of Todd Wilbur’s Top Secret Recipes Unlocked. Have you heard of this book? It tells you the recipe for making your very own Krispy Crème do-nuts….. amazing.

First up: Former Miss California Carrie Prejean has just released her first book: Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate and Political Attacks.

What is interesting about this whole situation is that Prejean’s carefully orchestrated book tour has been overshadowed by a number of things. First, TMZ claimed that they have a “sex tape” of Carrie Prejean. Secondly, Prejean settled her lawsuit against the Miss California USA official, reportedly because of said “sex tape”. And finally, it has been revealed by yet another tabloid new agency that there are actually no less than 7 “sex tapes.”

The funniest part of this whole thing is that these “sex tapes” are of Prejean performing a sex act… ummmm……alone. I’m sorry, but does anyone else find this kind of hysterical. A sex tape is one thing. But a tape of yourself masturbating? OMFG! There is nothing funnier. Apparently though, according to Sean Hannity at Fox News, what this Princess of Conservatism did is perfectly acceptable cause she was alone and she loved her boyfriend. Imagine if this had been someone form the Liberal camp! He would have demanded her head on a platter.

I have no interest in anyone seeing this tape. It is a private thing, and her ex is a douche for selling it. But for a woman who represents herself as the height of morality and who repeatedly speaks of the decline of traditional morality to have not one but seven tapes of herself masturbating? It is just to amazing for words. Carrie, when you have a second could you let me know exactly which chapter and verse in the Bible says it’s okay to get yourself off? I think that missed that when I was in Sunday school. Hypocritical idiot. Her 15 minutes are beyond up.

Next up is former Governor of Alaska, former vice-presidential candidate and former darling of the Republican Party Sarah Palin. Her book is cleverly entitled Going Rogue: An American Life. I personally would have much preferred a title that such as “You Betcha: An American Idiot” with a photo of a winking Sarah Palin in a hunting outfit.

Palin received a reported $5 million advance for the book, and my understanding is that the book is basically Palin whining about how none of what happened during the Presidential Campaign was her fault. I believe her explanation involves blaming the meanies (my word not hers) at the McCain camp for mishandling her and stifling her during the campaign.

Opinions on the book are mixed and decisive. Liberal commentators are calling bulls*it on many of the “facts” as stated in Going Rogue, whereas Conservative pundits are applauding her honesty and candor. Ugh. I am a little classier. Rather than calling Bulls*it, I think I have decided to go with the more traditional “Liar liar pants on fire.” I know, I have not read the book. But I sat through that Oprah Interview. That was enough for me.

The mighty mighty Oprah seemed to be barely able to hide her disdain for Palin and didn’t really get her to open up to anything we hadn’t heard before. It was actually pretty boring. Nothing new. The McCain team “mishandled” her during the campaign. Whine whine whine.I had to pay for my own vetting. Moan moan moan. Katie Couric was mean to me. Blah blah blah. The liberal elite media picked on me because I am a conservative woman. It is a double standard and it’s not fair!

This is another woman who really needs to go away. She and others claim that people within the McCain camp started bad mouthing her – calling her a diva and crackpot (or was it a wingnut?) weeks before the election. You know what, I kinda hope that she runs for office in 2012. Seeing her get her ass kicked again by Obama would be kind of funny.

I didn’t even know that this third book had been written until someone tweeted that the authors were amazing on Conan O’Brien. Self professed fame whores Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt – AKA Speidi have penned a book entitled How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. The title pretty much says it all.

Say what you will about these “celebrities” – but they are nothing if not persistent. With chapters titled “How to be Pretty on the Outside,” “How to be Pretty on the Inside,” “The Paps Are Your Friends.” Sigh Another book I don’t think I need to read to realize that it is a puerile piece of crap.

Although I would love to read all three of these books – just for the sh*ts & giggles as well as the fun it would be to mock them all - I absolutely refuse to even consider buying a copy of any of them. Much like the reason I will not go on Perez Hilton’s website, I refuse to do anything that will put even a penny into their pockets.

But if I had to chose, I think I would go with Speidi’s masterpiece. Cause I hear it has lots of pretty pictures. Pre and post surgery pics of Heidi are always fun to look at and snickering at the weird soul patch, beard monstrosity that Spencer regularly sports could keep me amused for at least 20 minutes. At least.

XO