Teen Choice Awards Recap

So the Teen Choice Awards aired this evening. I can still here the screaming & I am in Vancouver. Or maybe that is the Twi-hards on the prowl for Robert who is sleeping 4 short little blocks from me. You heard me. 4 blocks is all that separates me from the Eclipse cast. Sigh.

Anyways, moving on.

This is another award show that is voted on by the "people" - so of course when Zac Efron wins he thinks it has something to do with talent. It is kind of adorable. He did this at the MTV awards as well. You would think someone would remind him that this is a popularity contest. Sigh. And what his with his oil-slick face? Has homeboy not heard of blotting paper? I am sure he had a man purse he could discretely tuck them in.

Hosted by the Vagina Virgins they "performed" twice. Ugh. And very classy of the cute one (I don't know his name) to have his hair cut by a convicted rapist and domestic abuser! Yay - way to set a great example to teens everywhere Teen Choice Awards! Maybe next year Chris Brown could host? That would be awesome. Ugh again.

Of course, we must talk about Miley. Apparently God told her to dance on a Stripper Pole, wearing super short shorts and half a tank-top. WTF was that? And of course her parents gave her a standing ovation. Is it any wonder the littlest meal ticket in the Cyrus family already knows how to work a pole as well? Can't you just picture Billy-Ray standing there watching them practice, rubbing his soul patch. Ewwww. God also told her to wear what looked like half a dress while presenting an award to Britney Spears - who I really wish had at least brushed out her crappy ass weave before she hit the stage. I also do not understand the fish mouth pout she does? Can you explain to me why this is attractive and/or sexy?? I really don't want to put 4 photos of her up, but in order to understand what I am talking about, you need to see them all. Sad right?

Kudos go out to Dane Cook for his advice to Vanessa Hudgeons. Sadly, this clip did not make the actual telecast. Doncha love how excited Vanessa got when he called her out? OMG someone is actually talking about me! And Nikki Reed trying not to bust out laughing? Awesomeness.

Love that Kathy Griffin tried to steal everyone's thunder by showing up with Bristol Palin's sloppy seconds..... Levi Johnson, who is going by the name of Ricky Hollywood... which will totally work when he gets his first job in Hollyweird - that would work as a porn name right? Maybe they could make a video of him banging the porn star who looks like Sarah Palin? That would be sick. But you would totally watch right?

And my shame-f*ck - Ed Westwick was on stage being very shame-f*ck worthy. Oh that accent. Sigh. You know he would be into some really kinky sh*t right? And with that accent, he could totally convince you to do anything. Almost makes me forgive him the rolled up jeans and the shoes. Almost.

Twilight won everything. 11/12 awards they were nominated for or something. But they give out about 200 awards at this thing, so really this is not super amazing. Lots of the cast were there. Loved loved loved Kristen's outfit. She looked totally badass, like herself. No prom-dress, slutted out, too tight, completely inappropriate ensemble for Kristen. My Girl Crush is increasing. That dress was killer. It is also pretty clear that young Taylor Lautner is totally relishing his new "leading man" status and is flouting his power.... I still don't see the appeal in him. It is the teeth and the blinding smile. Just doesn't do it for me. And the fact he looks 12. And you know there is no chance of a sex tape. Far too crunchy granola with a side of bland vanilla for me.

Oh Rob & Jackson...... You so make the quiver. Just look at them. You know there is a chance that a sex tape could surface. And that totally increases the quiver. Excuse me while I go and read some smutty fan fiction while dreaming of Jackson and Rob (there is one that has a three-way ....... okay I have said too much)

XO